For those who have been following my blog since it started, thank you. My life seems to follow a path of inconsistency, which I’m slowly but surely trying to change.
Nine, almost ten years ago; I was eleven, full of life, and ready to take on the world. I had changed schools for the third time and was trying to make new friends when my mind started to change. I started failing classes and starting fights at home, which got blamed on puberty (which wasn’t totally wrong). I knew something else was going on when I changed schools halfway through sixth grade and began self harming. Although I was nowhere near proud of what I was doing, it temporarily helped and life went on. When it was seen, I was told,
“You better keep that hidden. I don’t know why you’re doing that. My life was much worse and you don’t see me struggling like that, you have no reason to.”
So I hid it. Seventh grade came and I met my best friend and the man I am now dating. I pulled my grades up, got on the good grades President’s List, played sports, and even went to school dances. But under the fake smiles and good grades hid someone who was struggling to live. The self harm became more hidden and worsened over time. My freshman year, I went to a Christian dorming academy where I had some of the best and worst experiences. I still struggled with whatever was in my head and the self harm but continued to hide it and pretend like everything was okay. This went on for another four years. I had good days, don’t get me wrong. I enjoyed most of my time there but a lot of it is just a haze thanks to my mental state.
After my senior year, I left for college and decided to get help. I was diagnosed with major depressive disorder and anxiety, put on meds, and given advice to make daily life better. Unfortunately I had chosen the worst state possible to go to school in, so I came home after the first semester and never went back. Instead, I had planned on joining the military so I got off of my meds for a year and pursued it. First it was the Army to be a medic. I took my ASVAB, got a few things in place, and dropped out. Then it was the Air Force! I did my medical examination, got a set date, pushed it back a few times, my grandmother died, and then I dropped out… again. Consistent, I know.
During this time I was putting myself in relationships with people who weren’t right. My first ‘serious’ relationship I had in high-school, things were okay until he decided to get abusive. What began as verbal abuse soon turned in to minor physical abuse and cheating. I kept my mouth shut about it because I felt I deserved it. By my junior year, after dating a couple more fantastic (eye-roll) guys, I dated someone who genuinely cared, managed to screw it up, stayed single my senior year, and then dated someone who would steal money from my grandmother over a year into our relationship.
My mental ‘demons’ as I call them were still running free. I was job hopping, picked up smoking to help with the anxiety, and feeling lost. In the mix of all this, I moved to Cheyenne to be with my best friend. Unfortunately I got involved with her boyfriend’s brother and quickly moved out after finding multiple cases of him cheating on me. But I believed I deserved it! Not too long after I decided I was done with that entire thing, my now wonderful boyfriend came (back) in to my life. I told him honestly the current situation, warned him that I struggle with multiple things, and he chose to keep me by his side.
Quick side note here, people do NOT fix mental illnesses!!! Do not expect your significant other to feel the burden of needing to make you feel better. Unless they are a licensed person in that field and know 100% how to help, it is not their job.
I’m still not 100%. I don’t trust easily. I don’t believe the positive I’m told. I’m still going through the trial and error of medication. I still have extremely low days. The only difference between 11-16 year old me and 20 year old me is I know I have purpose. I know I can do well as long as I apply myself. Am I doing that now? No. Right now I’m learning how to breathe. I’m learning how to have a job and how to balance my life. I’m trying to learn about me so I can do the things I need to, to get better.
You have the power to do the same. If you struggle with mental illness, know that it’s okay. Take a day to yourself to get better. If you know someone who struggles, be there for them. They may push you away or fight you, but it’s part of it. If you don’t know about mental illnesses, research before you call someone crazy, different, lazy, worthless, or anything similar. There’s a negative stigma around mental health that needs to be changed.
Take time for yourself. Know that you are worth it, even on the bad days. It will get better if you work for it. Reach out if you need help; family and friends are always there, and if you feel you need more help reach out to a therapist or your local crisis center. It’s worth it.
❤
The Learning Gyppie 