She took a drag of her cigarette as I asked “Why do you do that?” She smiled, a little bit of the white death-filled smoke escaping her teeth before she fully exhaled. She looked at me with her piercing blue eyes, the fading cloud still surrounding her face. “Because,” she stated before taking another drag, “I’ve chosen my poison. What’s yours?”
– Me.
I will put a disclaimer before starting this post. If you have or currently struggle with self harm and don’t want to read about it, please don’t read this as it will be openly spoken about.
I’ve previously spoken about my struggle with my mental illness and I’ll be making another post later about my recent diagnoses and living with it, but for now I’d like to talk about addiction. I started noticing something was off at age 11, the prime age of influence and lack of understanding. I was failing school, unable to healthily communicate, and wanted a way out. Probably during my most suicidal time of my life I was introduced to “cutting”, the act of self inflicting wounds usually with a blade or knife. I was in 6th grade and had people close to me who used it as an out, so of course I wanted to give it a try. I went home, found the razor used to shave my legs, tore it apart, cleaned it, and sat in my bathtub contemplating what I was about to do.
7 years later, self harm was still a heavy addiction. I was in college and had never let it go. When the medication I was on wasn’t working, when my anxiety was through the roof, and when I needed communication I instead replaced my addiction of harming myself with smoking. It started small like the self harm; a cigarette here and there, leaving campus to get one in. Then I transferred to a different college and it became a full blown addiction, starting my habit of being a pack-a-day smoker. I’d quit at certain times, especially when coming home to see my mom since she didn’t know I smoked. Then once break was over it was back to smoking, hoping it would fill the void and take the anxiety away.
Now, after 3 years, both addictions are still a struggle. Although I finally have my diagnosis and am on meds that help, suicidal ideation and self harm are unfortunately very common for certain people even when medicated. Another unfortunate thing is the stigma around self harm. “Isn’t that childish? Shouldn’t you have grown out of that? Wasn’t it just a phase?” Let me ask: would you say that to a meth addict? To an alcoholic? Probably not. The thing about addiction, coming from someone with an addictive personality, is it doesn’t matter what it is. If it releases a “good” feeling it has the same effect as any drug or alcohol. The act of self harm, as weird as it sounds, was euphoric. Why? Because I felt I deserved it. Being able to release the emotional pain through physical pain was the addiction. It wasn’t like smoking where one of the hardest parts is giving up the action, it was giving up the feeling.
Every day comes with the decision of smoking or not. Of self harming or not. But the daily reminders I have on my skin, whether it be the scars I can still see or the tattoos I have to cover most of them, is enough to show me how far I’ve come. Not craving the flavor of a cigarette is a big deal considering how bad it had gotten for me. So even though there’s a negative idea around vaping, it has helped me get away from a worse addiction. Not the best but not the worst. Eventually I’ll step away from nicotine completely and pray the addictive mentality goes away.
I challenge you today to look at unhealthy addictions. How did they start? What negative feelings were surrounding you when you started, and are they still present? If you’re in a spot to do so, I challenge you to replace that addiction with something better; exercise, blogging, hiking, etc. I’m obviously not a doctor so please consult one before making any big changes to make sure you’re able to do so healthily. Whether it be smoking, drinking, self harming, eating, or the many other addictions out there, I challenge you to attempt to move on from the negativity that started those addictions and rebuild yourself. If needed, I encourage you to find the help of a counselor. I’ve visited a few to find the right one and there’s nothing wrong with that, everyone connects differently. Having someone to talk to about the struggles gone through without it being someone close to us can make a big difference.
One of the beautiful things about us is the ability to remake ourselves and reinvent who we are.
Never forget you’re not alone in this journey we call life. ❤
The Learning Gyppie 